Ah, to be a painter!
I have asked myself and even my Lord, "what is the value of these paintings that I toil for year after year?" Where is the inspiration that propelled me. Inspiration is not found in those colorful forms of children playing in the park. Nor is it in the way the setting sunlight settles on the water. Does creativity inspire through the sky of pinks and the light flickering on the trees at the days end? Is it in the angles surrounded by the confining walls of the resulting image? Perhaps the inspiration is from the finished painting? These things could not bring me to paint another work. I ask myself.... What makes anyone toil at the foot of a small and inconspicuous canvas with bits of muddy color? Wrestling to produce something of which everyone knows is neither real nor true. I begin to paint. nevertheless. Using the visual painterly language gained by my toil. Indeed, an odd treasure was gained by my efforts. For this reason, I continued to pursue what otherwise was void of purpose.

This perspective is not where I am at today. I now know that the purpose of art is not in the external world. It is far more intimate. The basis for it lies in the creative act which is tapped into by joy. Joy is something which we cannot create and comes from God who gives it to us through his Christ. When we are happy, we can paint and creativity thrives. When we are oppressed, judged or are ourselves judgmental we cannot create. 

No matter how beautiful the sunset is I would dare not disturb my viewing to merely paint it. It was given to lift me up into a state of thanksgiving and joy. It helps to brings me into the inner experience of joy and beauty. It is there where I can reflect on and know that God is good by his handiwork. Not my handiwork but his.

So, I realized that inspiration to paint begins in the interior not the exterior world. The whole process of painting starts where our inner world becomes louder than the external world. The outer world may be the fuel which encourages the process. Yet the fire must be within. Yet without having props of external material, I would find myself at a loss to continue. The external world is the musical instrument I will use to express my inner joy. 

So now I pull out the paints and think I love the color blue, and I want to paint a blue rose. Here we have an external subject mixing with and internal passion. This is ultimately what I am doing. The balance of reality and creativity have met. I need the real world in order to express the inner world.

I set about looking for my subject and theme like one would look for a lost pair of shoes. I gather photographs and paintings I did long ago. These are the framework helping me enter into that place unknown to me. The inner world. This is where I am going and this place has little to do with the external world yet by going there, I will make a byproduct by entering into it.

Without my visual language of the beautiful scenery, props of photos and paintings, I would be at a loss for entering into this inner world which I am speaking about. If I did not paint and continued that way I would have to find another way to enter this inner world. I might sing or dance, or write, or even just speak about it. It is the joy, as I said earlier, that causes the movement and the joy leads to praise and the praise is what makes the artist paint.  

If I paint the inner world rises to the surface effortlessly. I say if because I am free to paint or not to paint. When I do paint, time has disappeared and the peace that passes understanding rises up. Almost unconsciously the brush moves frantically over the canvas. Being trained to express the visual world with colors and shapes, they form with precision and determination. I seek out the details now. This is the most playful part of the painting. A little light here and less there. The work is now more or less 'finished' but it may endure adjustments over months to come.

Carolyn Ann Steward